But I honestly had to cut that limb off almost. Not to make you feel any sort of guilt, but I knew that if I kept feeling that pull to go do that, it meant not being available to you guys and being angry at you guys in a way I didn’t want to be angry or resentful, just like “leave me alone I’m trying to do something” - Portrait of Gail McGowan and Claire Drummond, 2023, Oil on canvas, 72" x 60"
Back to the shape of my family with my partner and more broadly queer family, because we’ve worked to define something that isn’t the most obvious norm of nuclear families in the western white blah blah, then we’ve spent time considering what people’s roles are and what they do and I think that helps us notice and give appreciation about care, because it’s like, I asked for this kind of care, then you gave it to me, and then I said thank you - Portrait of Emily and Margie Davidson and Thando, 2022, Oil on canvas, 42" x 54"
Installation view, Anna Leonowens Gallery Halifax, 2023
Things come to you in a moment of inspiration. It’s hard to be able to capture that whim, but especially since having a kid, I often don’t get to capture that moment, and I really have to tuck it away and hope that I can access it later. And as a musician, I was kind of beating myself up because really, until about a year ago, I was not playing my instruments very much. And it wasn’t until I had this time that she wasn’t home that I really realized “okay, it’s because the only time I had to make music was at night, my landlords lives upstairs, my instruments are really loud, and during her naptimes, if I made any noise, she would wake up”. Like as soon as I started to sing, she would hear that and wake up… now she does quiet time in the afternoon, so I can usually get about 20 or 30 minutes and make some noise, she does sometimes go “stop making that noise, it’s quiet time”. It’s really challenged me to just get over it. I just fucking do the hard thing or I don’t get to be an artist - Portrait of Blue Lobelia (Rachel Bruch) and Rosa, 2023, Oil on canvas, 54" x 42"
Being pregnant with Gigi started up my art practice… As Gigi grew, it became more about trying to balance having time for my art practice. So that’s where I hope I can keep going with it… I want to, but it’s hard - Portrait of Julia Hutt, Gigi and Jamel, 2022, Oil on canvas, 54" x 42"
Now that I'm working more, I definitely don't have much time to like paint or anything. ‘Cause I'm just so tired. But when I do have like a break, I usually paint with her… I go to work and I literally just come home and do it all over again. But when I'm free, we do have time to create sometimes, if I'm up to it. I still have pieces that I've never finished - Portrait of Kordeena Clayton and Blessing, 2023, Oil on canvas, 42" x 54"
There’s just no way that I could support my family by myself, and we realized when she was little that even if I did take a job that would not be an artist job, all of my money would go towards paying for childcare. And when there’s an opportunity, do art… I really still can only afford to do work when she’s in school. But for now, my choice is to be the stay-at-home parent and be an artist when I can… I’m creative all the time with my kid, I play so many characters for her. So that’s how I was able to sort of keep it going, keep it alive, having that creative world with my kid. It’s so much fun, I just need time with adults too - Portrait of AJ, Kiddo and Mo the Puppet, 2023, Oil on canvas, 48" x 36"
I guess I didn’t really think that having a kid would really affect my practice in the way that it has, like I didn’t think I would be so obsessed with him and my feelings towards him or my feelings towards this new reality of being a parent - Portrait of Carrie Allison, 2023, Oil on canvas, 36" x 48"
I have some existential questions because I’m doing a lot of caregiving on my parents’ side because my mom has very advanced stages of dementia and my dad is also pretty high on my worry list. But it’s interesting to see Maya and my mom – they’re kind of at the same stage at opposite spectrums in terms of communication and verbalism because I can see Maya’s skills building but my mom’s skills diminishing. But I’m trying not to frame it as diminishing, that’s just her new state. So I’m in a place of observation, but it’s eliciting a lot of existential questions and I have a feeling it’s definitely going to fold into my artwork - Portrait of Sara Coffin, Diane and Maya, 2023, Oil on canvas, 42" x 54"
I feel like I know so much more about what life is having had babies and having had the babies have some big threats to them. You can see the world through this lens of all of these people taking care of other people and it’s everywhere. It’s really good to look at that, and it’s connecting and it’s bonding and it’s a kind of solidarity that we’re often encouraged to disregard - Portrait of Erica Mendritzki, Orhan and Leander, 2023, Oil on canvas, 54" x 42"
Now that I’m not depressed with a child inside of me, I can have more perspective on this stuff. But I couldn’t believe how quickly people came out to be like “you fucked up”. Like I had somebody just straight up say to me, two people actually, in these exact words, “your career was really starting to take off”. And I got it very frequently, people started asking me when my job listing was coming up at CFAT. And I kept saying, “I’m not quitting, I’m just taking mat leave” and they were like “okay, wink wink”. There was just this understanding that I was going to disappear into the night. I felt like I was at my own funeral while I was pregnant, it just was so constant - Portrait of Tori Fleming, Frank and Harvey, 2022, Oil on canvas, 48" x 36"
I can be practicing when I was home nursing for 8 hours a day. I can practice listening, I can practice composition, how do I pick up my baby, how do I hold my baby, how long does it take? How can I be in my body when it’s happening, how can I feel the frustration of not being able to move but know that that’s part of that practice? And then how do I make dinner a practice, like what’s the sound of picking the pot up? This is a little bit also going crazy, but how do you survive, right? And the world is compositional, the world is artistic, you don’t need to be in a dance studio in dance clothes to make art - Portrait of Susanne Chui, Oscar and Zadie, 2023, Oil on canvas, 36" x 48"
Installation view, Anna Leonowens Gallery Halifax, 2023